Good morning everyone!
Christmas is over, and so is 2021. I think we’ve already been done with 2021 before it began (as a matter of fact, I had to change 2020 into 2021 just now). Next year is going to be 2022, and it really shouldn’t. The last two years just weren’t right. We should be able to rewind and start again. But alas, as my German parents would say ‘Das Leben ist kein Ponyhof’ literally translated as ‘Life is not a pony farm.’ (Don’t ask me, I didn’t invent that saying).
There’s always one thing I love about New Year’s Eve, ok, it’s actually the only thing (apart from the food): New Year’s Resolutions; or also New Year’s Illusions?! For most people, at least, it will always be something more of a dream than a reality. And then people say New Year’s Resolutions are pointless and ridiculous. But how can something abstract be pointless? It’s just our existence, really, and our permanent wish to change over night, when changes are always slow, and often not the change we desire, because it’s easier to fall back into old habits than build new, healthy ones. Change it is, nevertheless. Life is nothing but a constant change.
Everything is changing. Nobody can refute that point after living in the pandemic for over a year. Rules and laws are always changing, the stupid faces that belong to the stupid people who rule our countries; once we get used to new situations it feels like we’re in a loop and everything’s the same again, yet that’s not true. Even though covid is still very much there, this winter has been quite different from the other. For once, I didn’t fly back to Germany but spent it alone in my student dormitory. Yes, this sounds sad, but really, it was just a bit boring. Also, we’re not in lockdown (yet). See, some things have already changed? Sometimes we are obsessed with the big picture and don’t see the small picture. If we concentrate more on the small things we are happier. Look outside the window and greet the sun. It’s always doing its job, providing us with warmth and light. How nice! You’ve got family and friends who care about you, and perhaps you are trying your best to become a better person? Don’t be like my neighbour from upstairs who blasts his music all throughout the night. Don’t be a prick. Everyone can improve themselves without becoming obsessed with self-improvement. I get it, there has been an avalanche of self-help books in recent years that people no longer care and say ‘fuck it, I am who I am. Take it or leave it.’ But then those people don’t even want to spend time with themselves?! It’s never a bad thing to try to get better – when you’re not hating who you are today, which brings me to my point…
I often say ‘I want to keep my New Year’s resolutions simple, only three or such’ but then it always ends into a long list; and it’s usually the same list as last year’s, and the year before, and the year before…you get the gist. Well, I just did yoga and took a shower when I had a great idea ‘I just want to love myself more – how I am right now.’ For example, I’ve always had body issues. I was never fat nor really skinny. I’ve always wanted to be really skinny, yes, blame me, growing up as a girl in a shitty society that tells every girl to stop eating so she could be loved. For me, it was never really about other people. I kept telling myself ‘When I have a flat belly I love myself more’, and I can’t lie, it’s partly true. I had a flat belly several times, and it is a nice feeling. But how shitty is it to love yourself with conditions? You should love yourself unconditionally. You are worth it. No, don’t come up with BUTS and EEMMMMs. I won’t allow it! Right now, as you are! You can’t change if you keep hating yourself, if you keep abusing yourself. I’ve done it for so many years, and honestly, it’s slowly pissing me off. I hate it when I hear my mum say ‘ah, how stupid of me’ when she lets something fall or forgets something, yet I am a lot meaner to myself. I spend most of my life with myself, and I am mostly doing fine, so why not doing great instead?! (Just like Deadpoll says ‘Don’t have a good day, have a great day.’ we should all follow his motto.)
I think most people fail and give up because their New Year’s resolutions are just like their neighbours’s; ‘go to the gym’, ‘eat healthier’, ‘learn a new language’ blabla. Life doesn’t change as simple as that. I am not a writer just because I want to type some words on the keyboard. I have a good reason for that. And I try to do it every day, and it brings me joy (and also pain). So, you have to ask yourself: Why do I want to go the gym? Do I even want to go to gym? If you don’t have a good enough reason, maybe just do something you actually want to do. Or kick yourself in the ass. Read David Goggin’s book ‘Can’t Hurt Me’ and motivate yourself. Don’t be lukewarm. Be cold or be hot. Decide against something or decide for something, and then just do it. I really can’t stand people who talk a lot but then never follow up. They always say what they want to do but then never do it. Can you trust those people’s words? No. So, if you are doing it to yourself, are you still believing in yourself? If you do, you need a reality check. If not, then make yourself trust your words again!
It’s not You vs. The World. It has never been. It has always been You vs. You. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It can be just ‘You’. You AND You. How amazing is this? Make a contract with yourself. What are your goals? What do you really want to do, what is really important to you? What do you want to change about yourself and your life? Write it down, and WHY, and also what would happen if you don’t do it (like save money, get fit, pursuit your dreams,..) and then sign it, pin it on your pinboard or glue it on the wall; somewhere you can see it. Read it, every day or every other day. Focus on it. If you fall, you’ve stopped going to the gym for a week or even a month, you’ve binge-eaten again, don’t sweat it. Move on. It’s not about how often you fall but that you always stand up again. At one point you’ll get where you want to be IF you really want it. That’s what I’ve learnt, and I did it, now I’m living my dream, and I couldn’t be any happier. All the struggle and pain has been worth it because now I’m here. But this isn’t the final destination. There are always things to learn, to improve, etc. The day you don’t want to change anything about yourself is the day you die. That’s your first death. What’s the point of life if you don’t change? Here’s a poem I wrote this year:
So, do it! Swim with the current, your own current. Follow your path and don’t look around who’s further or behind you. Doesn’t matter, they are not you, they’re on a different path. What matters is what you want, what makes you happy. So your drawing skill isn’t as good as you’d want it? Draw more. You’ll get there. Don’t draw because you want to draw amazing pictures, draw for the sake of drawing. If you don’t win anything from the action but only focus on the end result (especially if it’s something subjective as taste or opinion), don’t even bother doing it. Hollywood is full of people wanting to become actors to be famous. That’s not why you should act. You should act because it’s your passion. Because you burn for it! If you’ve got that fire inside your heart you don’t really care about being famous or not (at the end of the day, we just have to pay for rent and food, every other expenses are up to you, so as long as you have enough money for that, you can go for your dreams and aim high. Why not? It’s your life!). You want to do it for the rest of your life, no matter how much you will struggle. Because in the end, and you know it in your heart, it will be worth it. If you don’t have a burning desire, that’s also cool. Not everyone has to be creative (we’ve already got enough competition). Just do your thing, whatever makes you happy. And even if it’s deemed as something ‘unremarkable’ from society, well, fck them, what matters is what makes you happy (I shall add: as long as you’re not hurting others).
So, what is worth your New Year’s Resolutions? Just make it one this year. Don’t go overboard. Focus on what is your core value, your passion, what drives you. Give your life meaning, even if the universe is indifferent to you. Yeah, fuck you, Nihilism! Be a rebel and don’t do what society tells you to do, but what you really want to do. You were born free, don’t let anyone take that away from you.
have a great day,
(p.s. photos are all from my Instagram account)