Hello everyone,
I know. Once again, it has been a long time. My life has changed, and I’ve been busy for months, happy, but also often stressed. I wish I had more time. Don’t we always wish for more time? It feels like there’s never enough of it.
I am finally living my dream. I moved to England and study Creative Writing for my Master’s Degree. I’ve found great friends and a partner. Everyone is so supportive and kind. Life couldn’t be any better!
Yet, it never really is; perfect, I mean. I still feel sad at times, and I’ve got episodes when I just want to cry in bed because I feel the weight of the world; and I can’t stop thinking of all the suffering– how animals are tortured and murdered just so people can have a hamburger or a steak, how children are abused or hunger, how we mistreat each other and the world. I’m often told to stop thinking about it. I understand the intention, I also wish I would just stop thinking about it. But it isn’t that easy. If you could just tell a depressed person to ‘smile’ or an anxious person to ‘just do it’, oh, how easy life would be. I can’t just ignore it, it’s always there at the back of my mind. All I can do is learn how to live with it.
I am a highly sensitive person (HSP). I’ve always been very emotional, and am easily overwhelmed by crowds, noise, seeing violence, etc. One day my mum told me about highly sensitive people, and I immediately knew that’s me. I’m a member of an HSP Facebook group that has been very supportive, and I am finally reading a book about it (‘The Highly Sensitive Person‘), and everything just makes sense now. The greatest advantage of finding out about being highly sensitive is that I now know that I am not alone. When I share my problems with people in the Facebook group I get dozens of comments that go like ‘That is so me.’ Everyone is kind and understanding. Even though we don’t know each other personally, we are here to listen and help. It makes sense if you think about it. It’s people that lack sensitivity who act rudely and write mean comments.
In a world full of insensitive people, being highly sensitive is a strength! This is still very hard for me to accept. I still fear to show my emotions, especially crying, even around people who are close to me. Crying is a sign of weakness, that’s how we’ve been raised. Especially women who cry are seen as little girls. So many times I wished I was more ‘masculine’: would just get angry and shout instead of being unable to speak, my eyes glistening with tears. But no matter how hard I’ve tried, how many people I’ve wanted to be like; I am me. And I finally have to accept that. I will never be as cool or chill as some of the people I admire. Only recently have I realised that throughout my entire life I’ve always wanted to be someone else. I was never good enough. When my therapist asked me ‘But why is the current you not good enough?’ I’d feel a shudder going down my spine. It was obvious to me. I’d never liked myself. As someone who grew up being bullied and always running from one doctor to the next one, I always thought something was wrong with me. Being highly sensitive is just one part of the full pie that somebody threw into my face and destroyed my confidence when I was a child. Even whilst writing this I can feel the tears accumulating. Some people are just born with this unshakable confidence (let’s face it, usually men, because ‘boys can be boys’ whereas girls have to learn all the rules and be docile). Wherever they go they are like, ‘here I am!’ I’ve always been fascinated with these people. But I can never be like them. I’ve always questioned everything; my life, my opinions, the world, society, everything. I am an overthinker, and I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree in Philosophy, which now seems like an obvious choice to me, as someone who’s been ‘philosophising’ her entire life.
Our society values people with strong minds, strong beliefs. Extroverts. Rational people. Our Western culture doesn’t like nor favours sensitive and introverted people. We are told to be more social, confident, and loosen up. Eastern cultures such as China and Japan value sensitivity more. Perhaps that is one of the many reasons why I’ve always been so drawn to Japan and Korea. People are much more considerate and polite. The opposite of German culture, in which I was raised. For most of my childhood and teenage years, yes, even my adult life, I’ve always been scared of going outside. No, Germany is not that terrible, but as my mother would say ‘you’ve to toughen up,’ if you want to find happiness there. People won’t say ‘sorry’ or smile at you. They will shout at your face if you’ve accidentally bumped into them, when they’re stressed they won’t try to put on a nice face. It’s a rough climate. I’ve always wanted to be surrounded by nice people (again, a typical highly sensitive trait), so I can feel safe and not fear being mistreated/bullied. England has been giving me this kind of ‘safety’ so far. Of course, no country is really safe. Terrible things happen here as well (just one look at the football hooligans suffices). But how people act and speak, and just the simple things like strangers smiling at you (instead of frowning at you or piercing you with their gazes) make life easier for me.
Living as a Highly Sensitive Person isn’t easy in a violent and overstimulating world. It is no wonder we are more prone to mental illnesses. Not only do we have a richer inner life, but we also take on the pain of people (animals/nature) around us. Things have a greater impact on us. When I was a child my mother used to tell me ‘it’s just a movie, it’s not real.’ I recently asked her why she said that and she told me that I was just so immersed in a movie that she was afraid I’d confuse it with reality. For me, stories are everything. Hogwarts was and will always be my home. I’ve always wanted to live like a hobbit. Fictional characters were always more interesting than real people. It’s no wonder I’m a writer. In general, highly sensitive people are often artists. We need a creative outlet for our emotions. If I can’t share all that’s inside me, I’d fear to burst into a thousand bubbles. I need to write, draw, take photos, or dance. I can’t imagine a life doing nothing creatively. And I think that’s when I see the strength of being highly sensitive. If I weren’t highly sensitive I wouldn’t be able to write the stories and poems I am writing. I fear, I wouldn’t even be that good at it. There is no me without high sensitivity. And I finally have to learn that it’s a good thing – and that I’m not a burden to other people. If other people don’t want to deal with it, then fine, they can go. I have found people who accept me for who I am, and even if I were all alone as I always used to think: I’d be fine too. I’ve spent more time alone with myself in the 26 years I’ve lived than most people will do in their entire lives. I know exactly how I tick, what gives my life meaning, what will help me, and whatnot.
I could go on and on about the disadvantages and the few but great advantages of being highly sensitive. I think most people can ‘imagine’ how it would be like — but trust me, you can’t. What you can do, if you know a highly sensitive person, is be more considerate. It is sometimes hard for us to convey our feelings and needs as we’re used to bottling it all up (again, a byproduct of our insensitive society), so just checking on us is a great gift. I often feel uncomfortable speaking for an entire group of people, but I think it’s fair to say that we value words and actions more than physical gifts. If someone is really there for us, listens to us, just lets us be, that is the greatest gift you can give to a highly sensitive person. The world seems a lot scarier to us than to ordinary people.
And last but not least, a piece of advice from me to all highly sensitive people. Take care of your inner child; we need more self-care than other people. Listen to your heart. Don’t watch too many violent movies and don’t read the news all the time (we all know it’s a cruel place, no need to keep punishing ourselves all the time). And stay away from negative people, it doesn’t matter who, even if it’s family or close friends. If you notice that spending time with those people is draining you, it is not worth it. I am not saying ‘they are not worth it’, but they are literally harming you (unintentionally, I hope). I had friends who’d have that effect on me. They were always negative, either dwelling on self-pity or bragging all the time. And I noticed that they didn’t really care about me; they didn’t even ask me how my semester abroad was like. I just stopped contacting them and they never contacted me, so that was the end. And I never looked back. Life is long enough but way too short if you waste time with people who put you into a bad headspace. It is so so important to be around people who are kind, supportive, and value you. If you haven’t found these people yet, please don’t give up, they will come! Go join a Facebook group, attend meetups, etc. they are there! We are here. We are a minority and we are quiet in a loud world, so it is hard to find us, but we are here. If I can accomplish one thing in my life then I hope it is this: To teach people the value of kindness and being sensitive. One fictional character immediately pops up in my head: Newt Scamander (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them). He is very sensitive, very caring, and kind. I think if more people were like him/us, the world would be a better place. It is not a bad thing to be sensitive, no, it will eventually become a necessity. Being indifferent is the reason why the world is in such a bad state. A lack of sensitivity is a lack of understanding and kindness. So many people only think of enriching themselves and no longer care about the people around them. We are a community. We all share this one world. We need to learn to be kinder to it, each other, and ourselves.
Have a great day & be kind to yourself,
Mel
Miss Mel 